Why? When? and How?March 15, 2019
The Dynamics of Marriage (LIVE ONLINE EVENT)July 4, 2020
All of us agree that once you say something in anger or you act irrationally you often regret this for the rest of your life. Often we say “I’m sorry, I was angry”. That is an excuse, it’s not a reason for your behavior. We are not suggesting as human beings you will not experience this particular emotion. All of us do. But its about how you manage it. How you deal with it. You and I know that anger is something that can create problems, it can break off relationships, it can create conflict, it can change an environment from one of tranquility to one of tension. I am going to share with you a few points about managing your anger. Let us try it out. One of the ironies is the people that you supposed to love the most is your family yet they are the victims and that is grossly unfair because the home is supposed to be a heaven and a sanctuary.
- Don’t be impulsive. Don’t just say whatever you want to say because you feel like it. Think about it very carefully. Think about what you going to say and how you going to say it.
- There is a lovely acronym STOP.
Stop before you speak.
Think very carefully.
Outcomes. What are the possible outcomes?
Proceed…yes you proceed if the outcome is going to be positive. Otherwise you Pause.
- Look at your state of mind. Speak only when you are calm. When you are calm then express your anger, express what you feel. It is unlikely that you will be offensive.
- All of us need some kind of release. Exercises are a great form of release. Walk briskly, jog, do something and in that way you will be able to release the tension because once you are stressed out we tend to act irrationally,
- If there is a situation in which you find yourself and you about to say something and you know there will be serious implications and you are upset, then you move away from that place. Move to another environment. Walk away. In that way you will have an opportunity to calm yourself down.
- Be solution driven. Ask yourself: what are the solutions to the situation? In that way you will be proactive and creative in responding to the situation.
- Psychologist remind us about this. Avoid the I statements as far as possible. Stop saying that I am very upset with you, I cannot stand you. What you should rather say, “whenever this happens, whenever you say this, it makes me upset”. There is a difference. The person on the other side will know what role you are playing. Once you avoid the I statement it will make a big difference.
- Do not make assumptions. You might be wrong. Avoid making assumptions. If you avoid making assumptions you are able to deal with someone with a more open mind, otherwise there will be this build-up of anger that is not going to help the situation.
- Develop the art of listening to YOURSELF. We often speak about emotional intelligence. Once you develop that art you become more self-aware, more vigilant, able to regulate yourself, monitor yourself and able to understand the social context. You will be able to manage your anger very effectively.
- Talk to someone that you know. Maybe a family member, maybe a friend. Talk to them about what you feel. Psychologists remind us that revealing is healing.
- Stop talking and listen. Once you listen you able to understand a situation. When two people continue to talk, it does not help the situation, in fact it exacerbates it.
- Be empathetic. Try to understand the other person. See things from their perspective. In that way it will lead to reciprocal understanding.
- Prayer is also important, seeking God’s guidance.
- Take a shower .
- If you are standing then sit.If you are sitting then lie down.A change of posture can change your state of mind.
So my beloved friends, if you tried all of the above things and you find no joy;then you need psychological help, see a professional person because you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress and in that way hopefully you will be able to be that individual that is calm cool and collected; a person that brings happiness to the family; brings joy to other people rather than hurt.
Consultant in Education and Human Development